DARVO

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It's a manipulation tactic identified by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd that abusers use when they are held accountable for harmful behavior — a way to claim that they are the victim, and accuse the victim of the actions they themselves are doing.

I've seen this a lot recently in the political sphere under the phrase: every accusation is a confession.

I was fortunate enough to escape this sort of toxic situation, but my previous partner employed a lot of these tactics: calling and messaging my coworkers, threatening to get me fired, repeatedly messaging my previous romantic partners even after they told her to stop, etc.

The three steps typically look like this:

• Deny — The abuser flatly denies that the harmful behavior occurred, often with confidence and indignation designed to make the victim question their own memory or perception.
• Attack — The abuser goes on the offensive, attacking the credibility, character, or motives of the person who spoke up. This can look like public humiliation, threats, or recruiting others to pile on.
• Reverse Victim and Offender — The abuser reframes the situation so that they become the victim. They claim to be the one who is being unfairly targeted, harassed, or harmed — shifting attention away from their own behavior and onto the suffering they are allegedly experiencing.

Why it's so disorienting

DARVO is effective precisely because it exploits the natural human impulse to be fair. When someone insists loudly that they are the real victim, bystanders often split the difference — assuming both parties share blame — even when that is not the case. Survivors are left defending their own credibility instead of having their experiences taken seriously.

DARVO commonly appears alongside other tactics like gaslighting (making the victim question their own reality), smear campaigns, and flying monkeys (recruiting third parties to carry out harassment on the abuser's behalf).

Recognizing it in real life

Some signs that DARVO may be happening:

• You raise a concern and suddenly you're the one being accused of wrongdoing.
• The person you confronted seems more upset than you are — and makes sure everyone knows it.
• Friends or family start telling you that you're being too harsh or that you're hurting the other person.
• You find yourself apologizing for bringing something up in the first place.
• Over time, your memories of events feel less certain, even though you know what happened.

You are not alone

If any of this sounds familiar, please know that what you experienced is real and that support is available. DARVO can happen in romantic relationships, families, workplaces, and institutions. Recognizing the pattern is often the first step toward regaining clarity and safety.

Helpful resources

The following organizations and resources offer information, support lines, and pathways to safety:

Crisis lines & immediate help

• National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-800-799-7233 (call or text); 24/7 support, safety planning, and local referrals.
• loveisrespect.org — Focused on teens and young adults; call 1-866-331-9474, text "LOVEIS" to 22522, or chat online.
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) — 1-800-656-4673; online chat available at rainn.org.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — Call or text 988; for anyone in emotional distress or crisis.

Understanding abuse & DARVO

• Dr. Jennifer Freyd's original DARVO definition — The researcher who coined the term explains the concept and its institutional dimensions.
• Psychology Today — DARVO overview — Accessible explanation with real-world examples.
• Types of abuse — The Hotline — Covers emotional, psychological, financial, and other forms of abuse beyond physical violence.

Safety planning & leaving

• Safety planning guide — The Hotline — Step-by-step guidance for creating a personalized safety plan.
• National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) — Policy, resources, and state coalition directory.
• WomensLaw.org — Legal information and resources for survivors; includes state-by-state guides.

For friends and family

• How to help someone in an abusive relationship — The Hotline — Practical guidance on supporting a loved one without putting either of you at greater risk.